A Christmas Lie
by Chaos Dreadnought
Summary: Aragorn tells a warped, christmas verson of Helm's Deep... rated PG for censored swearing and Legolas bashing.


A Christmas Lie  
  
  
  
Aragorn- Welcome. Chaos Dreadnought don't own nothin' to do with Lord of the Rings, except some Games Workshop models, a DVD set, a few action figures, and some other stuff. Sue him, and you will get $502,000,000,000 multiplied by ZERO! NOTHIN'! Er. ahem, yes. Well, here is a Christmas Lie, based on the siege of Helm's Deep.  
  
  
  
"The Uruk-Hai will be upon us by nightfall!" said Aragorn. "I don't want them ruining my Christmas!"  
  
"Maybe they're only going to bring love and presents," said Gimli. "After all, it is Christmas Day."  
  
"As if, Gimli!" said Legolas. "And Gandalf will come with the Riders of Rohan and kill all the Uruks at sunrise! Unlikely!"  
  
Suddenly, a horn blew.  
  
"That's no orc horn!" said Aragorn. The gate opened, and Haldir walked in with his Elves, all of who were carrying presents.  
  
"Merry Christmas!" said Haldir.  
  
"Haldir!" said Aragorn, hugging Haldir. "Merry Christmas!"  
  
"Aragorn, are you gay?" asked Haldir, inching away from the ranger.  
  
"No," said Aragorn. "Hey, you got me that cool hi-gloss sword polish! And a new cloak! You're the greatest! Oh, yeah, I got you a voucher for that new pizza place in Minas Tirith, and some arrows."  
  
"Cool!" said Haldir.  
  
Suddenly, Legolas shot one of the Elves, causing everyone to look at him in shock.  
  
"Oops, I thought he was an orc," said Legolas. "His face looked like an orc's face. Sorry."  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Orthanc, Saruman is in his present factory, making presents.  
  
"We shall deliver these presents to the people of Rohan to show them how much we care for them," said Saruman. "I hope that these presents bring them joy."  
  
"How will you get all those presents to Helm's Deep?" asked Wormtongue.  
  
Saruman lead Wormtongue out onto the balcony to show him the 10,000 Uruk- Hai that were going to deliver the presents.  
  
  
  
Nighttime.  
  
"I say that they're going to deliver presents!" protested Gimli.  
  
"The Uruk-Hai are ferocious warriors that care not about us!" screamed Legolas. "I doubt that they would give us PRESENTS! YOU ARE A STUPID, GREEDY, SHORT F***WIT!"  
  
"You take that back, Elf!" roared Gimli, raising his double-edged axe.  
  
Suddenly, the Uruk-Hai arrived at Helm's Deep.  
  
"We are here to give you presents!" yelled the Uruk captain who was on the big boulder in the movie. He held a wrapped-up gift above his head.  
  
"Told ya," said Gimli, smirking. Legolas just scowled, and he accidentally shot one of the Uruks.  
  
"We only want to give you presents!" said the Uruk captain. "And this is -sob- how you repay us?" And then the Uruks started to cry.  
  
"Nice one, Legolas," muttered Aragorn sarcastically.  
  
"Give them presents!" yelled the Uruk captain. "Show them love! Show them that you care!"  
  
With those words, the first siege ladder was propped up against the wall. The Berserker on top jumped up to Aragorn, holding out a present. He had a sickly sweet grin on his face.  
  
"Merry Christmas!" said the Berserker.  
  
"Why, thank you!" said Aragorn, accepting the gift.  
  
"It's a bomb!" yelled Legolas, hearing a ticking inside the package. He shot it with an arrow, and Aragorn unwrapped it, showing him the clock.  
  
"I hate you!" said the Berserker, pushing Legolas back. "You ruined my gift to him!"  
  
"It's okay," said Aragorn, pulling the arrow out. "No damage done, except for the hole in the frame." An Uruk handed Gimli a present, feeling very happy. Gimli unwrapped it, and within the wrapping was a new shiny axe.  
  
"Thank you very much!" said Gimli, hugging the Uruk's waist (he's a dwarf, remember).  
  
"You're welcome," said the Uruk.  
  
"Give them more presents!" yelled the captain. "Give them your love!"  
  
Legolas hacked at all of the Uruks who got close to him. Aragorn eventually knocked Legolas out with a punch to the head.  
  
Eventually, the Uruk-Hai put a bomb in the culvert, so that they could deliver presents faster.  
  
"Get off the wall!" yelled a Berserker. "We're blowing this part up to get more presents to you!"  
  
"Okey dokey, Smokey!" said Aragorn. The siege ballistas fired at the wall, pulling up siege ladders covered in grinning, present-holding, happy Uruks. The culvert went up in a big bang.  
  
"Open the gate!" yelled Theoden. "Let them in!"  
  
"No!" yelled Legolas. "They deserve to die! They are Uruks!"  
  
"Give him his present," snarled the Uruk captain with hatred. "He's a baaad boy." One of the siege ballistas was aimed at Legolas. Its bow snapped out into position as it fired. The bolt/grappling hook struck Legolas, and he was pinned against the inner Deeping Wall. The bolt erected a ladder onto the wall, and the Uruks on it started giving out gifts.  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas was very pissed off. He was stuck to a wall, and he had a bolt in his gut.  
  
"Motherfu*#@ng Uruks," he muttered. He then screamed as the siege ballista fired again, right at his heart. Some of his hair fell over his face, and he screamed, not because he had two bolts in his stomach and heart, it was because of his hair.  
  
"AAAH! SPLIT ENDS!"  
  
Meanwhile, Aragorn and Gimli had found Theoden's beer stash, and they were very pissed.  
  
"Hey, Aragorn, yew wanna go torch Haldir, mah nigga?" Gimli slurred.  
  
"That's Allagern!" yelled Aragorn in a drunken rage. He grabbed his sword, which had recently been given a coat of hi-gloss polish, and pointed it at Gimli's neck.  
  
Legolas was getting restless on the wall. He desperately needed a mirror, some Herbal Essences and a comb. Suddenly, the siege ballista fired again, hitting Legolas "right where it hurts".  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Legolas in a girlish scream. "My vagina! Er. I mean penis."  
  
The Uruks were getting guilty that they hadn't given Legolas a decent present. So, an Uruk jumped on the siege ballista bolt, and it fired, going into Legolas' right lung.  
  
"Wanna present?" asked the Uruk. Legolas accepted, and he opened the present.  
  
"PALMOLIVE PRO-V?" screamed Legolas, holding up the bottle. "I want my Herbal! Palmolive is cheapo shampoo!"  
  
"Get some Herbal in here!" yelled the Uruk. Another Uruk-Hai jumped on the bolt that was in the siege ballista. This one went through Legolas' left lung.  
  
"MY HERBAL!" squealed Legolas in delight. "Oh THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!"  
  
He then noticed that several bolts had skewered him. He roared in anger as he pulled out the bolts and jumped onto the outer wall.  
  
"Fire when ready," said the captain. The siege ballista fired at Legolas.  
  
"Not today, bub," said Legolas, holding out the Palmolive. The bolt struck the Palmolive and got stuck inside the bottle. The siege ladder started to rise up.  
  
"Ciao!" said Legolas, throwing the Palmolive bottle into the crowd below. The siege ladder fell down with the bottle, crushing several Uruks.  
  
"You shoot me with heaps of bolts. you give me split ends. and you give me CHEAPO PALMOLIVE!" yelled Legolas. He grabbed Gimli's double-headed axe and went on a rampage.  
  
"Take that!" said Legolas in an insane voice, cutting down an Uruk.  
  
"And that!" he said, chopping Haldir in the back, too berserk to know what he was doing.  
  
"I'll never get to use that voucher now," said Haldir. He then died.  
  
Aragorn, or Allagern, as he is known while drunk, threw a beer bottle at Legolas, who didn't care.  
  
Legolas ran out of Helm's Deep, chopping down all of the Uruks. The captain squealed like a girl as Legolas ran after him, chasing him around in circles.  
  
"The boxing day sun is emerging," said Eowyn. "Take that!" yelled Legolas, cutting the captain down. He then continued to hack at the corpse, laughing like a madman.  
  
"We hateses Palmolive, my preciousss." said Legolas (his precious is Herbal).  
  
"Hey! You ruined Christmas!" yelled Aragorn and Gimli, no longer drunk.  
  
"Get 'im!" yelled Theoden. All of the warriors of Rohan, the riders, the villagers, elves and one dwarf ran after Legolas, chasing him all the way to Harad and back."  
  
  
  
"And that concludes my Christmas Lie," said Aragorn. "Or. is it really a lie?"  
  
Legolas runs in with a bloodstained axe, screaming "We hateses Palmolive, yes, we does, my preciousss!"  
  
END  
  
PLEASE review! I'll accept any reviews, but please, nothing too harsh. 


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